Words&Dirt

Summary:

Sogyal Rinpoche’s The Tibetan Book of Living and Dying presents a Tibetan Buddhist’s views on life, death, and the ways these states are interconnected in Buddhist philosophy. Sogyal Rinpoche describes his vision of how to live well, how to prepare for one’s inevitable death, and how to undertake the spiritual process of rebirth. The book also provides guidance on how to be a compassionate companion to someone who is dying, including various practices one can use to facilitate a good death and mourn after a loved one has passed.

Key Concepts and Notes:

• I’ve known about this book for a long time, but only recently decided to read it when a dear friend lent it to me. And although my reaction to it was mixed, I am grateful for the time I spent working my way through this strange text.
• The general goals of this book––to help people accept the reality of death, to healthily integrate thoughts of death into daily life, and to promote appropriate and sensitive behavior in the face of death––are near and dear to my heart. I’ve been volunteering with my local Hospice for the last few years and can say that spending time with dying and bereaved people is easily among the most important and rewarding work I have ever done.
• The Tibetan Book of Living and Dying contains much wisdom about how to conceptualize and respond to death. I found the chapters and sections that provide instruction on how to share time and space with dying people to be especially enriching. Sogyal Rinpoche passionately argues that celebrating a dying person’s accomplishments and opening all possible pathways to forgiveness/reconciliation with loved ones are crucial aspects of quality care.
• I really love the concept of a bardo, which Sogyal Rinpoche defines as “constantly changing transitional realities” that “are occurring continuously throughout both life and death, and are junctures when the possibility of liberation, or enlightenment, is heightened” (11). I hadn’t encountered this idea in my previous dabbling in Buddhist teachings, but as a therapist I am finding it useful to conceptualize my clients as experiencing various types “bardos” that, while usually difficult and sometimes devastating, can open new pathways to insight, exploration, and healing.
• Turning now to the things that I did not like about this book, it’s good to acknowledge that I’m probably not at the dead center of Sogyal Rinpoche’s target audience. I am not a practicing Buddhist, and while I have great respect for many Buddhist ideas and practices, I don’t have much patience for the mystical/supernatural elements of the religion. Throughout this book, Sogyal Rinpoche makes many claims about what happens during and after death that are completely unfalsifiable. His descriptions of the karmic cycle of birth-life-death-rebirth require readers to take on many assumptions that I am unwilling to accept. So in that sense this book was of limited use to me because my engagement was constantly being interrupted by feeling like trains of thought that seemed reasonable at the start were being derailed by supernatural obstacles. One example of this is Sogyal Rinpoche’s description of the “rainbow body,” a process by which someone who has attained a certain level of spiritual maturity will purportedly die by dissolving into light over the course of a week, leaving only hair and nails behind.
• Another thing that bothered me was Sogyal Rinpoche’s insistence that many high-level practices in his tradition could only be accessed through a lifetime spent in companionship with a “true master.” Some passages have a tone of elitism, a flavor of spiritual gatekeeping that says, “If you haven’t figured this out yet, it’s because you haven’t practiced long enough or in the right company.” I’m agnostic about whether this is actually true in Sogyal Rinpoche’s spiritual community, but as someone outside that community it felt alienating, which was a bit jarring in contrast to the open and welcoming vibe that permeates most of the text. This critique became even more salient when, after receiving some reader feedback on this review, I learned that Sogyal Rinpoche was credibly accused to abusing his role as a “master” at the Rigpa organization. This is sadly ironic given the frequency with which Sogyal Rinpoche highlights the “sacred” relationship between student and master, including his statement that true teachers “never abuse or manipulate their students under any circumstances” (134).
• My last criticism is simply that I think the book is far too long. It could easily have been half the length or shorter. By the end I found myself skimming chapters and even skipping a couple entirely after realizing that Sogyal Rinpoche seemed to just be rehashing the same concepts over and over. I’ll chalk some of this up to my own impatience and eagerness to move on once I had grasped what was valuable for me personally, but I also think cutting the book’s length considerably would make it much more accessible.

Favorite Quotes:

In this wonderful teaching, we find the whole of life and death presented together as a series of constantly changing transitional realities known as bardos. The word “bardo” is commonly used to denote the intermediate state between death and rebirth, but in reality bardos are occurring continuously throughout both life and death, and are junctures when the possibility of liberation, or enlightenment, is heightened. (11)

What is our life but this dance of transient forms? Isn’t everything always changing: the leaves on the trees in the park, the light in your room as you read this, the seasons, the weather, the time of day, the people passing you in the street? And what about us? Doesn’t everything we have done in the past seem like a dream now? The friends we grew up with, the childhood haunts, those views and opinions we once held with such single-minded passion: we have left them all behind. Now, at this moment, reading this book seems vividly real to you. Even this page will soon be only a memory. (26-7)

To be a spiritual warrior means to develop a special kind of courage, one that is innately intelligent, gentle, and fearless. Spiritual warriors can still be frightened, but even so they are courageous enough to taste suffering, to relate clearly to their fundamental fear, and to draw out without evasion the lessons from difficulties. (36)

Anyone looking honestly at life will see that we live in a constant state of suspense and ambiguity. Our minds are perpetually shifting in and out of confusion and clarity. If only we were confused all the time, that would at least make for some kind of clarity. What is really baffling about life is that sometimes, despite all our confusion, we can also be really wise! This shows us what the bardo is: a continuous, unnerving oscillation between clarity and confusion, bewilderment and insight, certainty and uncertainty, sanity and insanity. In our minds, as we are now, wisdom and confusion arise simultaneously, or, as we say, are “co-emergent.” This means that we face a continuous state of choice between the two, and that everything depends on which we will choose.

This constant uncertainty may make everything seem bleak and almost hopeless; but if you look more deeply at it, you will see that its very nature creates gaps, spaces in which profound chances and opportunities for transformation are continuously flowering––if, that is, they can be seen and seized. (108-9)

True teachers are kind, compassionate, and tireless in their desire to share whatever wisdom they have acquired from their masters, never abuse or manipulate their students under any circumstances, never under any circumstances abandon them, serve not their own ends but the greatness of the teachings, and always remain humble. Real trust can and should only grow towards someone who you come to know, over time, embodies all these qualities. You will find that this trust becomes the ground of your life, there to support you through all the difficulties of life and death. (134)

Things will never be perfect. How could they be? We are still in samsara. Even when you have chosen your master and are following the teachings as sincerely as you can, you will often meet difficulties and frustrations, contradictions and imperfections. Don’t succumb to obstacles and tiny difficulties. These are often only ego’s childish emotions. Don’t let them blind you to the essential and enduring value of what you have chosen. Don’t let your impatience drag you away from your commitment to the truth. (136)

Always when you are with a dying person, dwell on what they have accomplished and done well. Help them feel as constructive and as happy as possible about their lives. Concentrate on their virtues and not their failings. People who are dying are frequently extremely vulnerable to guilt, regret, and depression; allow them to express these freely, listen to the person and acknowledge what he or she says. At the same time, where appropriate, be sure to remind the person of his or her buddha nature, and encourage the person to try to rest in the nature of mind through the practice of meditation. Especially remind the person that pain and suffering are not all that he or she is. Find the most skillful and sensitive way possible to inspire the person and give him or her hope. So rather than dwelling on his or her mistakes, the person can die in a more peaceful frame of mind. (216)

Not everyone believes in a formal religion, but I think nearly everyone believes in forgiveness. You can be of immeasurable help to the dying by enabling them to see the approach of death as the time for reconciliation and reckoning.

Encourage them to make up with friends or relatives, and to clear their heart, so as not to keep even a trace of hatred or the slightest grudge. If they cannot meet the person from whom they feel estranged, suggest they phone them or leave a taped message or letter and ask for forgiveness. If they suspect that the person they want to pardon them cannot do so, it is not wise to encourage them to confront the person directly; a negative response would only add to their already great distress. And sometimes people need time to forgive. Let them leave a message of some kind asking for forgiveness, and they will at least die knowing that they have done their best. They will have cleared the difficulty or anger from their heart. Time and time again, I have seen people whose hearts have been hardened by self-hatred and guilt find, through a simple act of asking for pardon, unsuspected strength and peace.

All religions stress the power of forgiveness, and this power is never more necessary, nor more deeply felt, than when someone is dying. Through forgiving and being forgiven, we purify ourselves of the darkness of what we have done, and prepare ourselves most completely for the journey through death. (217)

People who are grieving go through a kind of death. Just like a person who is actually dying, they need to know that the disturbing emotions they are feeling are natural. They need to know too that the process of mourning is a long and often torturous one, where grief returns again and again in cycles. Their shock and numbness and disbelief will fade, and be replaced by a deep and at times desperate awareness of the immensity of their loss, which itself will settle eventually into a state of recovery and balance. Tell them this is a pattern that will repeat itself over and over again, month after month, and that all their unbearable feelings and fears, of being unable to function as a human being any more, or normal. Tell them that although it may take one year or two, their grief will definitely reach an end and be transformed into acceptance. (315-6)

It is crucial now that an enlightened vision of death and dying should be introduced throughout the world at all levels of education. Children should not be “protected” from death, but introduced, while young, to the true nature of death and what they can learn from it. Why not introduce this vision, in its simplest forms, to all age groups? Knowledge about death, about how to help the dying, and about the spiritual nature of death and dying should be made available to all levels of society; it should be taught, in depth and with real imagination, in schools and colleges and universities of all kinds. (361)

Rating: 4/10